Motorsports in 2010 Review (or We Didn't Start The Car) (II)

Seb Vettel and Dario, Red Bull and Fernando
Double J, Lorenzo Land, Sebastien Loeb

Red Bull’s hold of pole position, LMS of television
India joins South Korea – hosting a grand prix

McLaren’s F-Duct (onto wing air sucked)
Gillett, the King and Ray struggling with debts to pay

Richard Branson in heels, Lotus best of new teams
New champ has a little cry, Bridgestone Rubber goodbye

We didn’t start the car
Fuel started burning
Wheels have started turning
We didn’t start the car
No we didn’t start it
But we’ll try to park it

Spoiler back for C.O.T. V8 Super Courtney
Final laps, Will attacks, Helio’s ‘block’

Ratel’s new spell’s Bertolini Bartels
Beamer on the Nordschleife – Twice around the clock

HRT Christian Klien, Anderlecht’s the winning team
No new team will get the call, ee-jaf-jalla-juke-ll *

Strakka win in Budapest, Alabama snorefest
Turkish race, saving face – trouble is the team mate

Renault was backed by Lada
Russian cheques they’re cashing
Pay for Petrov’s crashing
Renault was backed by Lada
Their speed didn’t match it
Alonso couldn’t catch it

Tomizawa snatched away, Walkinshaw the other day
Gearbox palaver, Dindo balaclava

Hulkenburg claims the pole, Daytona pot hole
Edwards attempts homicide, NASCAR ratings still on slide

Carlos gets his Dakar win, Kimi keeps rolling
Ecclestone’s Hublot, U.S. team a no go

Peugoet blow on full attack, Audi win Le Mans back
GT1 is mighty fun, ACO don’t think so.

At last they parked Milka
She might be improving
Still she’s barely moving
At last they parked Milka
She’ll watch from the team pit
Now the fans will like it

Felipe Baby in review, Fernando’s faster than you
Newman Hamlin, pay drivers invasion

The firesuits on Delana, NASCAR Dani-mania
Ambrose ill hill, KV smash bill

Karthikeyan, Piquet, racing in the USA
Korea nearly washed away, wasn’t finished anyway

Rossi leaves Yamaha
Broken leg – no riding
Left Lorenzo gliding
Rossi leaves Yamaha
The success will judge it
Support will demand it

Lotus running everything, Schumel Shumi back again
Bahrain boring, Brand new scoring
Muller for the second time, Webber’s flipping airtime
Simona HVM, Japan Leeroy Jenkins

Surprised with the Delta Wing, sticking with Dallara thing
Belgian rains, Lewis wins, Button out, Vettel spins
Diffusers lose their second tier, KERS back after missing year
What is next then moving floors? I can’t take it anymore

We didn’t start the car
Fuel started burning
Wheels have started turning
We didn’t start the car
No we didn’t start it
But we’ll try to park it

---------------------

Wondered what on eart you've just read? Have a listen to "We Didn't Start The Fire" by Billy Joel - cue it up and sing along - it really does work.

*This represents the name of the Icelandic Volcano - Eyjafjallajokull - that caused chaos in late April after its ash cloud cancelled the flights that would have returned much of the F1 circus back to Europe from the Chinese Grand Prix. It's not actually pronounced like this.

A 2009 Motorsports Review (Or "We didn't start the car")

Jenson Button, Rubinho, Red Bull and Dario
Jimmie Johnson, Valentino, Sebastien Loeb

Diffusers double tier, Nelson Piquet last year.
Abu Dhabi, South Korea hosting a Grand Prix

Helio’s tax trial, missed The Chase (Hey Kyle)
Gillett, The King and Ray, running E-Sad and A.J.

Indycar – barely seen, F1’s got some new teams
Monte Carlo IRC, Beamer-Sauber Goodbye

We didn’t start the car
The fuel started burning
Wheels have started turning
We didn’t start the car
No we didn’t start it
But we’ll try to park it

Adolf Hitler, Ecclestone, J.C. France and George is gone
Rockenfeller, Marco Werner, Lucas Luhr’s crash

McLaren’s Flo-vis, tell me what your time is
R15 - Sebring once around the clock

Field Filler Dexter Bean, Merc have brought the winning team
Aston Martin, Lola Cars argue about animals

Renault wheels at Budapest, Barber set for Indy test
Martin’s pace second place, trouble is the teammate

Dave Blaney parked the car
He’d rather be racing
But the accountant’s pacing
Dave Blaney parked the car
NASCAR will excuse it
But they’d rather lose it

Henry Surtees Tragic death, Mayfield caught on Crystal Meth
British race off and on, someone please save Donington

Barrichello’s spring has sprung, F2 splits the lower rung
NASCAR restarts double file – don’t make me call the shootout style

Prism, buy some tyres, Midtjylland – the little guys
Rossi nips to the loo, JP gets a drive through

Tony K’s pit fire, Bridgestone not an F1 tyre
Fisichella slower, beat Luca Badoer

Franz look out! Safety Car!
It pulled out with warning
Just as you were turning
Franz look out! Safety Car
It’s got the cop chief in it
They’re a total nit wit.

Sepang rain, short race, Kimi gets a choc ice
Peugeot protests, Litespeed and Lotus

Busch’s backwards victory lap, Kimi’s rally crash cap
Spa gird mixed up, Logano Sprint Cup

Kris Meeke IRC, Peugeot Le Mans and Petit
A1GP gone away, it was failing anyway!

I’m sick of Danica
I am tired of hearing
In what car she driving
I’m sick of Danica
I don’t want to hear it
I have grown to fear it

Brawn team, stacks of Yen, flying NASCAR yet again
Jean Todt, Ballot, Lie-gate, Lime Rock
Lots of sponsors pulling out, Indy gets IZOD to tout
Karthikeyen off the wall, Shanghai crowds are very small

Teddy Mayer passed away, Pascal Terry sad to say
Scott Sharp, Brand new Tub, Footage gets sped up
Put closed cockpits on the cars, Keeping track of Massa’s scars
FIA v FOTA wars – I can’t take it anymore

We didn’t start the car
The fuel started burning
Wheels have started turning
We didn’t start the car
No we didn’t start it
But we’ll try to park it

-------------------------------

Read that and not clue what I'm on about? Try searching for listening to "We didn't start the fire".

The All-Motorsport Power Rankings No. 35

Bad news everyone, I fear the beginning of the end is near as far as the racing season goes.

NASCAR has its 12 drivers that will fight it out of the title and elsewhere the first titles of the year being decided. Jan Charouz, Tomas Enge and Stefan Mucke too the European Le Mans Series title (and their Aston Martin Racing team took the teams championship) and Nico Hulkenburg became the first driver ever to wrap up the GP2 title before the final weekend.

But at the same time, 2010 is already taking shape, with NASCAR's silly season warming up, with yet another merger. Meanwhile, in F1, "Lotus" (scare quotes very necessary) have been awarded the 13th slot on next year's grid (and the new owners to BMW-Sauber have been given the 14th). Renault may also be there, though not with Flavio Briatore and Pat Symonds at the helm.

15 Jarno Trulli (F1)
Jarno’s attention is slipping.

In Spa he was depressed into retirement after following Luca Badoer, and in Monza he explained his move on Nakajima by saying he “got a bit bored to be honest”.

14 Bernie Ecclestone (F1)
F1 in a recession.

Testing bans, engine freezes, budget cuts, major stakeholders making million dollar losses and Bernie gets a 15% pay rise.

13 Fernando Alonso (F1)
“I know nothing”.

Yes we know Manuel, I mean Fernando.

I’m sorry, he’s from Oviedo.

12 Mike Gascoyne (F1)
Back in F1 with Norfolk based, Malaysian backed “Lotus”.

Malaysian Prime Minister: “the cars will be made in Malaysia, by Malaysians.”

Last I checked Norfolk wasn’t in Malaysia (or the 21st century).

11 Nigel Mansell (Le Mans Series)
Is getting to drive with your dad in a 1000km race the adult equivalent of getting to sit in the passenger seat in the family car?

If so, I want to know why I always ended up in the back, and I still haven’t got my Ferrari.

Le Mans Series Silverstone report and results.

10 Mark Martin (NASCAR)
He’s jumped 9 places thanks to the Chase seeding.

That’s the old guy’s biggest leap since someone woke him up after he fell asleep watching MacGyver.

9 Jan Kopecky (IRC)
Winner in the IRC again.

Skoda still a punch line.

IRC Rally Asturias report and results.

8 Garth Tander (V8 Supercars)
Winner of the first Australian V8 Supercar Enduro race of the year.

His wife, Leanne, finished 19th.

Insert a stereotype of your choice here.

7 Jan Charouz (Le Mans Series)
Newly crowed Le Mans Series champion, expected to make it a double success at the upcoming “Smiliest Czech” competition.

6 Adrian Sutil (F1)
Yes, well done you got points.

Unfortunately you’re a fortnight too late of the fanfare, fireworks and first place in the Power Rankings.

5 Brian Vickers (NASCAR)
The only positive Red Bull related news week.

4 Nico Hulkenburg (GP2)
Here’s what GP2 champion Nico said about his engineer;

“He’s my bitch”

Despite winning the GP2 title, Nico won’t be in F1 year. His mother’s grounded him and carries on asking where he heard that word.

3 Denny Hamlin (NASCAR)
To Denny Richmond is like everyone else’s Daytona.

Richmond is roughly one-third the size of Daytona, so, applying logic, Denny must be the third the size of everyone else (roughly the size of a Labrador).

2 Jenson Button (F1)
Jenson on Rubens:

“He doesn’t know his arse from his elbow when it comes to racing cars”

Funnily enough, that was going Flav’s defense next week.

1 Rubens Barrichello (F1)
His helmet in Monza supported Nelson Piquet Jr.

Surely the best way to support him would to show easy it was to crash and help your teammate?

Photo Credits with Ranking Number. 15, 14, 13, 12, 10, 8, 6, 5, 3, 2 & 1: Getty Images, via bleacherreport.com. 11, 7 & 4: LAT. 9: Autosport.

The Motorsport Power Rankings: No. 34

This week the world of Formula One invented a new party game, well two new party games depending on what kind of parties you like. The first is Musical Italians, where you put some Pavarotti on and all swap your Italians until the music stops, any Italian left without a seat is called Luca.

The second is more complicated, and better suited to more mature parties. It's like a game where you have to guess the murderer, only you have to guess who conspired to make Nelson Piquet Jr. crash, Flav, Pat Symonds, Nelson, Nelson's dad Nelson, or whether is all made up nonsense the PIquet clan have cooked up to get revenge on Renault.

Elsewhere my call for NASCAR Karma was answered by a frisbee, the Australians proved they even plan protests better than anyone else, and Sebastien Bourdais tried to make Superleague Formula racing look respectable.

15 Paul Gentilozzi (ALMS)
Delayed for two months, based on old models, indecisive and probably rubbish. Are we sure it’s not a Jaguar factory effort?

14 Luca Badoer (F1)
He blames the press for outing him from his race drive.

Well, at least we know it wasn’t high speed that caused these hallucinations.

13 Fernando Alonso (F1)
Renault are bringing back KERS for Monza, claiming it will gain then 15 metres off the start. So that’s more positive spin from Renault then.

12 Nelson Piquet Jr. (Criminal Genius)
The only way I could be more suspicious of Piquet’s claims is if Renault pull out of F1 and Piquet Sport take their entry slot.

11 Carl Edwards (NASCAR)
Broken foot from playing Frisbee and engine trouble.

Don’t mess with Karma.

10 Dani Sordo (WRC)
He was leading Rally Australia after day one.

Which clearly means he wasn’t deemed important enough to throw a frozen Koala at.

9 Sebastien Bourdais (Superleague Formula)
Winning on his Superleague Formula debut.

Red Bull claim Seville tapped him up.

8 Sebastien Loeb (WRC)
More cheating Frenchmen!

7 Augusto Farfus (WTCC)
Crash in race one. Check

Win in race two. Check

Yep, just another Farfus weekend.

6 Jorge Lorenzo (Moto GP)
Might need reminding exactly why he’s signed for another year at Yamaha right now.

5 Mikko Hirvonen (WRC)
As if the possibility of him winning the WRC needed to be any less legitimate, he’s now being given wins by FIA stewards.

4 Kasey Kahne (NASCAR)
This week’s NASCAR winner, banking $363,000, so hardly Petty cash.

3 Tonio Liuzzi (F1)
OK, so who’s running the book on Liuzzi taking out Fisichella somewhere on the first lap?

2 Valentino Rossi (Moto GP)
Now, if all Donkey rides were like that we’d all holiday in this country!


1 Giancarlo Fisichella (F1)
Ferrari staff slam Fisichella “he’s too smiley, he’s showing Kimi up.”