Friday, 28 August 2009

All Filler, No Killer - The Back on the Road Edition

I've returned from my three week summer blogging break, which of couse gives me one of the AFNK editions where I get to pick and choose what drivers I want to rant about. They're my rules, and I'm sticking to them.

And so we pick the Cup Series up at their second trip to Bristol, TN, and one of the rare night races I actually get to watch live (incidentally the average human consumes enough caffeine to kil a horse - every year).

Enough wittering, on with the usual gubbins, 7 drivers with paragraphs of nonsense that often actually manage to mention NASCAR.

Dave Blaney - Dave, Dave, Dave, what are we going to do with you. You can manage to get the Prism heap of scrap car to start 4th, but then Prism heap of scrap team and the return of Phil Parson's legendary Moth Wallet (along with a helpful nudge from David Gilliland) managed to end his after an official count of 8 laps. The official reason for the retirement was an "accident". That was a rubbish accident! If "accidents" like that put cars out at Bristol (or anywhere) then no-one would actually finish, Personal Injury Lawyers would be inudated with people having "accidents" (I decided to chainsaw my arm off), and many, many more children would have to be told by their parents they were an "accident" (Well, Jonny, you were an accident, first we had a candlelight dinner, then a bath together, before watching a blue movie in bed while I licked body chocolate off your mother......) Oh, and showing my colours here, but with the economy picking up again (apparently, no-one's told my bank account) can we please get Dave into a 2010 ride with a team that isn't so 'environmentally friendly'.....................8/10

Joe Nemechek - While there may be hope for The Blaney, there can be no hope for Joe Nemechek. Even with a sponsor his season has plumbed such depths that the TV team don't even bother to mention he's gone "behind the wall" or "to the garage" anymore. In fact, I fully expect them to start telling us that Joe (or Blaney) haven't done either of those things by, say, lap 50. This week Joe was seen skulking off to count his Greenies after an official count of 48 laps...................10/10

Tony Stewart - Put your fingers in your ears now Tony Stewart fans (or actually skip down a paragraph as your hearing does not effect your ability to read) because you know this isn't going to be pretty. You done that now? Good. What the hell was that?! Just because you have an umpteen hundred point lead doesn't mean you can decide to complete rubbish for a week. First you are the first car to go a lap down, then you have so many spare radios that must have had more dud equipment than your local AV swap meet, then you go speeding down pit road, and when you finally have had enough of (almost certainly) turning the air inside the car blue and decide to try and park it, NASCAR come along with a 'helpful' truck to get you going again. Don't they know who you are?! When you just want to go home they should just let you.....................7/10

Joey Logano - Sliced Bread's race was a little like a single round or toast with strawberry jam which you later find has a maggot in it. Short and sweet at the beginning, before hours of fret and worry, with a nasty ending. He backs his car into the wall early on to scupper his own race, before donning the black cape and picking up a scithe to read the final last rites (priests do hold a scithe when reading the last rites, right, just for effect) for Clint Bowyer's Chase hopes, by giving him a helping the Hamburger Helper into Michael Waltrip....................7/10

Martin Truex Jr - More ups and downs than a roller coaster (or a whore's drawer's for a crude British turn of phrase) is one (or two) ways to describe Truex's race. Speeding off pit road was the first big drop, before working his way all the way back up to the sharp end of the field, before a tyre let go. Then came the loop-the-loop, or corkscrew (if we're continuing the roller coaster metaphor, I'll let you think of something else for the other other) when we were shown employee relations MWR style and Martin got together with his boss next year en route to shortening Michael's car and watering the Bristol apron (I wonder if Martin's been told that was one of his chassis for next year?).................5/10

Sam Hornish Jr. - Praise be! Sam Hornish has returned. After a number of recent weeks when 'Sam Hornish' did quite well in races, Sam returned to the sideways form we know and love him for (not you David Stremme, you're just rubbish, no get out and let the new spotty kid in), by wiping his livery off on the wall, seriously Sam, sponsors don't like that, you can't even read their names on the wall after you've done it. He didn't even manage to beat the steam driven world record (which was actually broken this week). From this we can only summise that Sam hasn't been Sam in recent weeks, and well, the latest series of Top Gear finished here a few weeks ago, so The Stig's been free......................7/10

Kurt Busch - Congratulations Kurt Busch! You have done something that most of us previously though impossible, you have managed to have a pit problem that even Dale Earnhardt Jr. hasn't had. Was that tear off just extra sticky, or did you have a particularly weedy crewman this week? Kristen, is there a weedy #2 crewman, like one you needs help getting the lids off yogurts or is always claiming he "loosened" jar lids? On the good side we we're given the American Beauty moment of NASCAR as camera's watched the suddenly freed tear off wend it's way into the catch fencing, although no-one has confirmed the director as saying "it's the most beautiful thing I've ever filmed"..............3/10

And the Brikkie goes to...........

As if there was ever any competition this week, of course it's Kevin Harvick. He was the knee-capping to Joey Logano's mob-hit execution of Clint Bowyer's chase hopes, managed to tear up his own equipment, and by all accounts was living up to the name of a completely different Dwarf to his nickname, and he wasn't Doc, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful (although in previous seasons he's been one full of bashes) or Dopey (actually scratch that, Dopey might explain a few things).

Next Week

Well, of course, as is happens, I'm back off my break just as NASCAR's premier series have a week off ahead of going to Atlanta. There we'll have a return for Kurt Busch, a possible no-show from Regan Smith, all too rare visits from A.J. Allmendinger and David Reutimann, and of course, your recommended weekly allowance of the fibre that goes straight through NASCAR, with Dave Blaney, Joe Nemechek and Tony Raines.


  1. LMAO Broomy - Hate it when you take a break fram AFNK!

    Poor Stretch - he is getting a lot of flak for not getting the windshield tear off. He is not weedy although he did tear the skirt off the car going thru one of inspection contraptions at Sonoma when he was wheeling the mabye he is just accident prone.

    Ok ok, how come you are nailing Smoke for being on the WRONG CHANNEL...that was the reason for all that AV equipment being thrown thru his window...pretty embarrassing I would say!

    Can't wait to see what silliness Atlanta brings.

  2. LOL, Broomy!!! What a viewpoint except it's all true! I really like Joe N. but he's about done I think.

  3. I've been jonesing for weeks, waiting on more AFNK. Ahhhhhh! That's better. And this one was certainly tip top.

  4. This is your best one, I think,, Keep them coming.


  5. Kristen - he was on the wrong channel?! That's just stupid, I wish I'd have known that, he would have been shown even less mercy.

    Thanks everyone for your kind words.

  6. Jbroomy, awesome AFNK! And you nailed the Brikkie this week! WHAT WAS HARVICK THINKING? It sounds like he WANTS out of RCR in the worst way, points or the winless streak be damned! If Smoke WAS on the wrong channel, Happy would be GLAD to share the Brikkie award with him!